It’s 4:50 AM and I sit up in bed, my legs warm beneath 3 blankets, my right arm meeting the cool dry air as I reach out from under to turn on my bedside lamp. Flowers from a few evenings ago take up space on my desk and draw my eyes toward my laptop. I slip out onto my feet, the stubble on my bare legs raising slightly as a shiver shifts through my spine and across the skin of my shoulders. Wasting no time, I plug in the machine and nestle my legs back beneath the covers. It’s open now, just below my cross-legged lap, and suddenly my restless night becomes filled with purpose.
This past week has been a wonder. It was the type of week that feels much more like a great view you leave behind when descending from a high peak, damp and in a cold sweat, armed with a sense of accomplishment. Lately, I feel more like myself, the picture is clearer and the right things are in focus. While feelings of wonder are fleeting I’m ever more inclined to share bits and pieces of what made the last week as wonderful as it was, the big three being: drumming, writing, and other projects.
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Drumming:
I couldn’t tell you why I’m so inclined to play, or how the idea of embarking on a ten-thousand-hour journey to mastery is such an easy decision. I just want to. I’m bewitched by the repetitive motion. It’s like a ritual dance, each step drawing me closer to pure ecstasy. Today I learned and practiced the Moeller technique; an arm movement that uses the help of gravity to create a more ergonomic way of keeping a beat on your drums. It also allowed me to have greater control of the velocity and texture of my hi-hat, which now sounds a lot less stiff than last week.
I played to three songs by Fleetwood Mac to help ease me through and had a lot of fun learning this new little thing that made all the difference. Here’s a video of me playing along— I’m still very much a beginner!
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Writing:
Until tonight it’s been nearly 3 weeks (more specifically 19 days) since I’ve held myself still enough to write something with intention of sharing. The original intention of this blog was to share bits and pieces of my process, indeed relating to my music, but in a more simple respect; a little BTS here, maybe a snippet of something I’m working on, or a playlist or two— but it’s now become a catalyst in me rediscovering my love of books and writing, and moreover a deep-seated ache and yearn I have deep inside to write well. So instead of beating at my notebook and keyboard I’ve been reading and watching films with the intention of sinking into new worlds and sharpening my writing skills as well as my taste for literature and storytelling.
This blog started almost completely on a whim has inspired and invigorated me in ways I never planned it to. And I am so glad! The action of writing and posting is reminiscent of my Soundcloud days; novice-ly creating a song (that would be the stepping stones to the album that I’m working on now) and posting them up in a process that really only took a few days. It’s all the fun of completing and sharing work before things get serious and attention to detail is ramped up levels high. When I was much younger I’d told myself I had wanted to publish a book someday and oh how that dream got lost somewhere just to be discovered years later deep in the storage closet of my psyche.
I haven’t made much new music lately but I’m excited to see how this “side quest” changes the way I write songs. I don’t want to overthink it (I’ve always been an emotional songwriter) but I hope at least my pen is sharper and more deadly!
Other Projects:
“Other Projects” as in works related to music, hats I didn’t know I’d get and have to wear being an independent artist trying to make it. Photoshoots, music videos, the live session, content on social media; each of these things I get to figure out the details for. Creative and art direction, themes, energy, and the team to help make it happen. It’s been a joyful process taking on each idea and churning it into a finished product. In a sense, I get to build this world for listeners to experience my music within. The colours, the textures, and the feel of the work.
There is an air of nervousness the night before a shoot day; I toss and turn in bed hoping all the ideas and planning metastasize into something beautiful. Something to be looked back at fondly forever. At times, I feel anxious and vulnerable to my own ideas; can we make them come to life? I’m thinking “God I hope it looks good”. I find fear is most present when I’m still for too long, and once I pick up speed on a project it can’t quite keep up. Then, I can shake the nerves off and I step into this fearless self that has accomplished more than I ever imagined I would be capable of as little old me.
I think maybe deep inside I’m purely a young girl who just loves to create; to tell a story; to sing a song. I have a very vivid memory from when I was little, little enough to be in a matching set of PJs and laid up in a bunk bed. It’s early morning on a spring day, the sun isn’t up yet but the sky is light enough for one to tell that it’s blue. I’m wrapped in a candy wrapper-coloured quilt stitched with patterns of butterflies and flowers, my black hair is strung all around my rosy cheeks and in my arms is a stuffed dalmatian named Ashley, who is very well loved. Every other soul in the house sleeps but I’m awake as ever, talking to God (indeed I was raised Catholic though I’m definitely not one anymore) in whispers telling him stories born out of my babe imagination, singing songs and melodies I’d made up in my mind I only wish I could remember the sound of today.